Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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