Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
