I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
