I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
