Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
