just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
