Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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