well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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