It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
