my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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