I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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