Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Can you bring me the toilet please
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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