dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
