I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
