Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
