She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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