i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
