she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
