I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I can text with my tongue
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
