so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Vodka?
Forever.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
