I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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