A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
