I checked into jail on foursquare
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
