I have demons in me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
