The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
