god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
