He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
