so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
