I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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