Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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