When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
