I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
