i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
