Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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