No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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