i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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