if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
