can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
