I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
