I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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