why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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