I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
