Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
