she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
