Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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