im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
