My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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