i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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