i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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