new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
