i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
